I Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine
by Frozen Songbird
Summary: Quatre left Trowa... Warning - Self Harm, Severe depression, Alcohol, Suicide references. 3x4. Lyrics from Beth Ortons "Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine"  Chapter 3 added - Multi chapter story.
1. Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine

**I wish I never saw the sunshine.**

Disclaimer : Song is Wish I never saw the sunshine by Beth Orton. GW and its characters copyright to Bandai./i

_Baby do you know what you did today?_

_Baby do you know what you took away?_

_You took the blue out of the sky, My whole life changed when you said goodbye._

_And I keep crying... Crying... Ooh baby... Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh baby..._

_I wish I never saw the sunshine, I wish I never saw the sunshine and if I never saw the sunshine baby then maybe I wouldn't mind the rain."_

All those years sleeping beside you, feeling your body pressed up against me, listening to you breath seem so far away. 5 day, 6 hours and 23 minutes ago you walked out the door, taking the last piece of my heart with you. And all I can do is sit here, pretending its all just some bad dream and I'll wake up to your arms around me. Feel safe again.

I always wondered why you stayed by my side for all those months, and you always simply replied "Because I love you." and kissed me, comforting me with your words and your sweet mouth. Exactly 2 years after we met you proposed. On top of one of Earths tallest buildings under the stars, you asked me to share your life with me. To be with you forever, stay by your side through everything. I promised that I would be with you forever, Quatre... I thought promises meant something. They did once...

You wanted to have the wedding in a few years time rather than right away. You had everything planned, black and white theme, with red roses for the flowers. There were so many little details to plan you even hired one of your sisters to handle the fine details, and ensure the date was exactly what you wanted. You asked me a few times about the details, but all I wanted was to be by your side, and stand with the man I loved. I guess you had other ideas... The wedding was supposed to be next week. You were supposed to wear all white, and I all black, but I guess that will never happen now.

During the war I had a little problem... Cutting I called it. You hated it, threatening to leave if I ever did it again. I did all I could and managed to repress it for you, to stay by your side. I look down at my arms, covered with bandages. I didn't last an hour before taking a blade to them, making short, deep gashes all the way down. I haven't bothered to clean them, just cover them. I don't care about infection. I just needed to feel something, something other than emptiness.

I've not eaten since you left, but I've drunk plenty. Vodka, beer, wine, everything I could get. My head is pounding and my stomach heaving as I take another gulp. Anything to dull the excruciating emptiness you left behind and drown out those final parting words... "I don't love you any more. I'm not sure I ever did." The tears have stopped now. I twist the gold band on my finger, toying with the idea of removing it, of throwing it into the sewers, or giving it away. I wont though. I'll hold on to it until the end of time, as a reminder of the happiness I once had and the love I once felt.

Gazing round I see the mess I have made. When you walked out, all you took was a suitcase of clothes and your bichon frise. I swear you love that dog more than me. I bought him for you as an anniversary present. We'd been together for 4 years and you'd always loved animals, so he seemed like the perfect gift – and from the way you reacted I knew id made the right choice. He was small enough that you could take him anywhere with you and he did go everywhere with you. Even in the papers you were always seen with your little dog even more often then I was pictured by your side. In the end you even chose him over me... I wish I was that dog...

I cant do this any more. I cant live without you. You're my everything. I wish I had never known happiness, known what it was like to be loved and needed. Then maybe this wouldn't hurt so damn much... I give the ring one final kiss. It wont hurt much longer though... Forever ended when you left me, when you said goodbye... I don't have to hold on any more... My golden haired angel, I love you... This is my final goodbye...

_Ooh baby... Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh baby... _

_I wish I never saw the sunshine, I wish I never saw the sunshine and if I never saw the sunshine baby then maybe I wouldn't mind the rain._


	2. Am I Too Late?

Trowa, I'm sorry... I didn't mean it. I do love you, I've always loved you. Why did I say all those terrible things? Why did I leave you alone like that? I guess I just wanted you to follow me, prove over again how much I mean to you... I miss you so much my darling Trowa, I'm coming back to you. Please wait for me my angel.

I bend down to pick up the sleeping dog. He yawns before settling down on my lap again as I pet him gently. Its less than an hour before my shuttle gets home,until I can be in my lovers arms again. My heart aches, I know how much Trowa is hurting and all I want to do is comfort him, to make everything all right again. I want my Trowa back.

I settle into the seat, tired and drained. I've not slept in days, nor eaten. I don't have the will to fight this alone any more, all I want is to be home. It wont be long now before I'll be home and I can beg Trowa for forgiveness and just pray that he'll take me back.

The landing point approaches fast. Landing in 10 minutes. I reattach my dogs leash and wait. I'll be home soon my darling. I love you my silent clown. Please take me back... As the shuttle touches down I grab my case. The sooner I get there the sooner I'll have my love back. Have my heart back.

As soon as my feet hit the ground I begin to run, with my dog at my side. Something's wrong with Trowa. Badly wrong. I need to get there and I need to get there now. As I turn the corner my heart begins to ache even more than it had before. He's a mess... I'll be there soon baby, hold on.

I reach the front door and stop. I'm so scared to open it. I just know Trowa's in a bad way, and its all my fault... I shove the door open, slamming it behind me, dropping the dogs lead. He's in the bedroom, I can sense it. I run up the stairs towards my love. "Trowa?"

My blood runs cold as I enter the room. My lovers eyes are on me, filled with remorse and hatred. He's been cutting and drinking. He's a mess and I was the one that did this to him. it all my fault and now he hates me...

Gently moving closer, I sink to my knees. Trowas eyes are closed. "Quatre get out of here. Without you I'm nothing, and nothing doesn't deserve to live on the earth any more." His voice is flat and emotionless, almost as though he's given up.

My voice is barely louder than a whisper. "I love you Trowa... I love you." His hand touches mine and he sinks down next to me. I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes in exhaustion. I feel his arm curve round my waist, as he winces at the pressure on his arm. "I'm so sorry Tro."

Trowa buries his face in my hair before replying. I can feel his tears. "I love you Quatre. Please please don't leave me alone again. I'm not as strong as you think." He grabs the blanket off the bed and pulls it over us, finding comfort in its warmth.

The next few weeks are going to be hard, near impossible to get through. But one thing is for certain. I'll never leave him alone again. I shouldn't have done this time either. But he deserves so much better than a spoiled brat like me...


	3. The Morning After

**_Trowas POV_**

Before the first ray of light hit my face I was up and rushing to the bathroom, my stomach dispelling the contents of the last few days. My head is pounding, and my entire body is stiff and cold. The last few days are more of a blur than a real memory, but the pain is still very real. All I remember of last night was my love coming back to me, the rest I cant remember. But the rest doesn't matter so long as we're together. Quatre, Me and the dog.

I feel a cold wet nose touch my hand, hoping for some attention, or more likely some food. He'd missed his dinner last night. I walk back into the bedroom, dog in tow. Quatre is still asleep on the floor so I pull another blanket off the bed and put it round him. Its so cold at the moment, there's bound to be snow later. I strip off my clothes, and throw on the first clean clothes I can find, before heading to the kitchen. The dogs bowl is sitting on the side still, the diamanté letters shining around the edge spelling out the dogs name, Deejay. Quatre had bought the dog matching collar, leash, bowls, coats and bed, all in the same deep red with diamond and diamanté detailing for his beloved pet. This as one dog that wanted for nothing. I emptied a can of luxury dog food into the bowl and placed it down on the floor. Deejay wolfed it down, and headed back towards the bedroom to find his master. I pressed the on button on the kettle. We could both do with a cup of tea after the past few days. We needed to talk...

"Tro?" Quatre asked nervously. I hadn't noticed that he'd come downstairs. All he was wearing was an old shirt, it was far too cold to be wearing this. Is he punishing himself? I can feel the last of the anger from the past few days melt away. He looks so scared, so vulnerable.

"I'm here Quat." I reply. "Aren't you cold?" He doesn't answer. I didn't really expect him to though, he'll never admit to something like that. "Sit down, I'll get the tea. Deejays been fed." I watch as he leaves the room, heading for the sofa. I don't want to talk about what's happened, but I know as soon as I get in there that will be the only thing my love will walk to talk about. I press the on switch on the heating as I head into the front room, if he thinks I'm going to let him freeze himself then he's mistaken. As I enter the room my arm brushes up against the door frame and I wince. I know he saw it, but he doesn't say anything. I know he's disappointed in me.

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><p><em><strong>Quatres POV<strong>_

Its so cold. I'm sure snow will be on the ground before the end of the day. I saw your reaction Trowa, and I'm not annoyed, not at you at least. I know you were only trying to cope with all the shit I threw at you. I wish I could turn back the clock and take back everything I said, then you wouldn't be hurting so much.

Trowa hands me a cup of hot tea and I nod at him in thanks. "Trowa, we need to talk. I need to apologise. You deserve so much better than this." My eyes meet his, I can see he's almost in tears again. "Do you even... Do you even want me to stay after all I've done?"

"Of course I do." Trowa replied sitting down next to me "I cant live without you. I always thought I was strong enough to survive alone. It wasn't easy during the war but back then that was all I knew. Now..." His voice trailed off into nothing. I reach out and carefully place my hand on his knee.

"So long as you want me to stay I will be here. I'm so sorry my angel." I bite my lip, wondering how to continue this, not wanting to say the next part. "please don't hate me, but I want to call off the wedding." A look of defeat entered his eyes. "I want to be with you forever, Tro, but I don't want a huge wedding and all the publicity. Cant we just have something small? Something more personal." "Quatre that would be perfect." was his reply.

"Baby I need to ask you something and I need you to answer me honestly, k?" Trowa nodded and sipped his drink, knowing full well what was coming next. "How bad are they?" He knew exactly what I was talking about. His cutting scares me so much.

"They're fine."

"Sure?"

"I'm sure."

We sat there just sipping our drinks in silence, Deejay curled up happily in his bed, totally oblivious to us. I shivered slightly. Out the window I could see flakes of snow falling. I needed to find something else to wear. If I get sick now how could I care for Trowa? I need a shower first though. And so does he.

"Tro, I'm going to take a shower. Want to join me?" A smile graced my lovers lips now "Sure. Let me turn the heating up first though."

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><p><em>Lemonlime in chapter 4? yes or no? Let me know if you think I should write one in or if the shower should be uneventful!_


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